Parenting Book Review: The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness

Review of: The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness, Five steps to help kids create and sustain lifelong joy by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.

I have been toting around this book all summer and can't renew it from the library any more times so it is time to finish it and write up the review before my fines starting building up.  This book has taken me so long to get through in part because I have had so many other books on my shelf to read but mostly because I have found it to be very poignant and haven't wanted to rush through it. Hallowell makes many great points, each of which I wanted to take some time to appreciate, think about and try with my family before reading on.

The book begins with helping us define what we ultimately as parents all want for our kids, happiness. It suggests looking back at your own childhood to discover what moments and what parenting skills brought happiness to your life. In turn, what do you wish you had more of? Hallowell believes that being happy requires two important skills, 1) the ability to overcome adversary and 2) the ability to create and sustain joy.  In my own past research of child resiliency I have noted the same concept. The child who is able to come out of terrible circumstances and succeed usually has a strong inner locus of control, a belief that he can determine his own fate. Having one or more people in his life that believe in and care about him is key as well.

Even kids that grow up in secure homes with financial advantages need to develop skills to create their own happiness. As Hallowell states, "we help our children most by helping them help themselves." As parents we gain so much. "Children disturb and distract us in all the ways we need to be disturbed and distracted. They get us to come out and play. The make us laugh, even when we try not to. They show us that there is more to life than getting ahead or getting sleep. They require our help. They make us improvise. They show us how to take delight in the mundane ways we had long ago forgotten. They make us exercise. They prevent us from getting set in our ways. They tease us. Finally they give us adults that elusive gift called meaning". I love that! Although it is not always easy to hold on to all that we gain when we also have to give so much.  As parents, we hold a huge responsibility to take care of our child's needs and help them grow into happy adults. Meeting the challenges of this responsibility is hard. Making the best choices is complex. So, I often turn to parenting books for guidance and felt that Hallowell effectively researched and wrote about what is most important for us to focus on.

I highly recommend reading this book for a more in depth discussion and helpful examples from Hallowell's own parenting experiences. As busy as I know you all are, hopefully this synopsis will offer some ideas and focus for your parenting.

1) Connection
The most important thing we can give to our child is unconditional love. Hallowell states that "when you let yourself love, as a parent, when you show up, in the moment, and let yourself love, as you watch a soccer games; or carry the birthday cake; or wave good-bye to the group that is heading off in the bus to camp- at all those times, you let die a part of you that used to come first. Not only that, you let yourself love totally and completely, knowing all the while that separation will come."

It seems on the surface that loving our children unconditionally should be a given. For some, though, the fear of loving and losing may hold us back. For others the daily distractions and responsibilities of life keep us from showing up. What we gain by putting our own fears, needs, distractions aside and truly spending time loving and being with our children is so worth it!

Hallowell describes in detail methods and tips for loving unconditionally. Below I will share some of his ideas but I think the most important piece is making loving a top priority.

Where to focus:
- Be present during key times in the day- in the morning, after school, dinner, bedtime;
- Have high (but realistic) expectations for school performance;
- Engage in your child's activities on a regular basis;
- If you are working, chose child care providers and settings that take care of your children lovingly;
- Be able to read your children and know who needs love and when. "You can see it, you can feel it, you can even hear it when a child is not getting enough love. On the other hand, if you smother your child and provide too much, you can see that too. At any given time you can probably tell which child needs you the most. Go towards that child."; 
- Set limits and boundaries. "Sometimes you show your love by saying no.";
- Teach about responsibility through chore;
- Help children discover what their interests and skills and
- Read aloud to your children for as long as you can.

Helping your child connect to other areas in their lives is equally as important. Provide opportunities and assist your child in developing the skills needed to connect to:
- Friends
- Their neighborhood
- Their community
- Activities and Sports
- Nature
- Arts
- Their past and family history
- Institutions and organizations


2) Play
Hallowell defines play as "being able to make creative use of time no matter where you are or what you are doing." A few weeks ago at the end of a long vacation day my five year old was in tears when he learned it was bedtime. "But, I didn't have anytime to play." My husband and I looked at each other confused. That day we had gone for a long hike and to a playground. Coincidentally, I read Hallowell's chapter on play that night and better understood my son's disappointment. More and more we are over scheduling our children's lives with activities and outings and dismissing the importance of allowing time for play. For my son, these days play mainly involves Legos  but the worlds and adventures he and his brother create are in-depth, creative and completely engaging. It is important to create time and safe places for our children to play.

Youth sports and other activities can also teach our children important skills such as how to maintain play throughout their lives. Without diving too far into my opinions about today's youth sports culture (maybe a future blog), I will just say that parents play an important role in ensuring that our kids are having fun in the sports they play. Be an advocate for maintaining recess and gym class at your child's school. Relearn how to play as adult and participate with your child. Remember that humor is play and create fun in your family time.

3) Practice
Hallowell describes practice as the way from play to mastery. "Structure and discipline unlock the door to talent"  One of the most obvious forms of practice, I hear parents talk about is practicing an instrument. Their child will enthusiastically want to learn how to play the violin, piano, drums. Yet when it comes to practicing, the battles begin. I enjoyed how Hallowell wrote on this subject because of its' balanced approach.  Practicing should not be torture for the child or parent but it is a means to an end and traveling that road is not always enjoyable. He suggests that parents "have an infectious and positive attitiude about practice." If, as Hallowell says, "we want to practice what we love," we need to remind our children of what they love and what their goals are. He also suggests pointing to successful people in the field and discussing how they worked hard and had to practice to get to where they are now. 

A friend recently shared that she had also taken up a new instrument, the viola, when her daughter started playing the violin. Wow! Sharing that learning experience and all the frustrations and joys that go with it, is being a truly remarkable parent! Still she was concerned about how much she should push her daughter to practice when she doesn't want to or when to let her give up altogether. I think she will navigate those waters just fine being engaged, being a cheerleader, bringing in fun and humor, offering tips based on her own experience and working with her child to figure out how to get over the seemingly insurmountable mountains that will arise along the way. If and when it is time to put the violin away for soccer or theater or chess club, it will probably be a hard decision but one made together.

The frustrations and obstacles to practice often stem from fear of making mistakes or not being good enough. It is a tough thing to teach our children to conquer these fears when so many of us, as adults, have them as well. My August Usborne Book of the Month, Jonathan James and the Whatif Monster superbly describes the voices in our heads that prevent us from trying new things as well as inspiration to overcome the voices.

4) Mastery
Hallowell writes, "My definition of a great teacher is a person who can lead another person to mastery. The best parents are great teachers. If there is any greater joy than achieving mastery yourself, it may be the joy of leading a child to it...As parents, we get the chance to so this in many ways every day. All the minor tasks we take for granted- from telling time to tying shoes to putting on nail polish- are new and at first impossible for our children. For a child any of these tasks can begin as a source of frustration and even shame but with a parent's guidance can turn into a source of mastery and joy."

I agree wholeheartedly with Hallowell about the joy we as parents feel when we witness our child mastering something for the first time. After months of soccer practices and games and into his second season, when our son scored his first goal, you would have thought that we had just won the Olympics. My husband and I were elated and my son fell right over with pride and happiness.

Those moments stick with our children. "Repeated experiences of mastery help build an attitude of optimism, " Hallowell says. Optimism and belief that we can succeed when we try hard enough are such valuable traits to instill in our children.

5) Recognition
Hallowell describes the importance of recognition stating that "when you learn to do something well and someone else values your having done this, you feel a sense of pride." When our children constantly want to show us something new they have done on the playground, they are asking for our recognition of their accomplishments. When recognizing our children it is more valuable to focus on how they got there, then on what they accomplished. "Wow, you worked really hard and didn't give up." "I really like how you worked together as a team with your brother." It is also imperative that you value and recognize children for who they are and not for your own dreams and goals. 

I recently started reading Take the Stairs, 7 Steps to Achieving True Success by Rory Vaden. His book is about discipline, but for adults. His book contains all kinds of statistics about the amount of time we waste and the ways we get in the way of achieving our dreams. Imagine if we can instill discipline in our children so that they can reach their potential and have a life of happiness. Hallowell describes discipline as "a ticket to free time, mastery and success." He challenges parents to not be afraid of asking our child to follow through and do what is asked and expected of them. When balanced with unconditional love and play, this seems like a reasonable road map to me.

I would love to hear your reactions to this review as well as any personal stories you have about any of the areas discussed. I plan to review and blog about other parenting books in the future but cannot say how often they will happen. Your suggestions on books and your own book reviews are welcome!