All of us experience occasional frustration with new or challenging tasks. Setting up a website, blog, e-newsletter, Facebook page etc. the last few months has had its fair share of frustrations. There have been times when I want to throw my laptop across the room or just have myself a good cry. Many times, I build up the tasks in my head to be so awful that I am already frustrated before I even start.Why then should I be surprised when my boys express the same kind of frustration and avoidance tactics?
Yesterday the boys wanted to do backwards somersaults. Their initial attempts ended up with them crashing into walls or just toppling over on their sides. When I explained that I could teach them how to do it, you would have thought I had asked them to eat a plate of mushrooms and onions. They wanted nothing to do with having to sit through my demonstrations or having to practice the steps that would eventually lead to a real backwards somersault. I persevered though and eventually they sat still long enough to watch me muster through the fundamentals of the backwards somersault (thankfully without any personal injuries). They put their hand up by their ears and practiced rolling backwards until they gained the momentum to hurl themselves over. We cheered wildly at their accomplished feats and their pride was written all over their smiling faces.
Although I felt a little crazy at the time, demanding that they follow
through on learning such a trivial act, I had a feeling that there were
some bigger issues at play. I wanted to help the boys understand how
good it feels when you don't give up and you learn something new. I
wanted them to overcome their frustrations. I wanted them to know that
even fun activities sometimes take a little work and practice.
The same day my older son became very agitated while putting together a new Lego set. I suggested that he take a little break and come back to it. Meanwhile, I would try to work on it. The Ninjago Great Devourer was NOT easy to put together. The snake tail was made of all these separate pieces and when you would try to put them together... SMASH! They all fell apart and you had to start over, again and then again. "Argh! I am so frustrated." I said. My son looked at me. Uh oh, how was I going to handle this teaching moment when what I wanted to do was throw the pieces across the room. "I think I will take a little break," I said. "Wow, that is not easy, is it? Why don't have snack and come back to it?" When we returned a bit later, both in a better space, we worked together and slowly and carefully put that snake together and it is pretty cool.
So, later when I introduced the boys to my favorite X-box game- Fusion Frenzy, I felt armed with ideas about how to help them overcome their frustrations. The game is made up of all these mini competitions that they should have loved like smashing bugs and bumping each other's bumper boats of the edge of platform. They were not feats you would necessarily be good at the first time though, they took practice. At first they just wanted to keep switching games thinking the next one would be easier. Once they realized they were all hard, they wanted to quit. I found a game I thought would be fairly easy to get better at in a short period of time and made them play it again and again and again. Yes, had to
make them play a video game! I cheered them on and gave instructions as they played. I celebrated with high fives and excited announcements of how their scores were going up. In the end, we all had fun and felt good about our accomplishments. For me, not getting frustrated with their frustrations was a feat.
Often times we confuse frustration with avoidance or defiance. Sometimes the feelings our kids have when they are frustrated are so intense that they scream, throw things, cry, hurt their little brother etc. We mistakenly think that our child is able to do what we have asked them to without help, guidance or encouragement. Or we let them give up on a task, unintentionally teaching that they are not capable. Instead, next time your child becomes frustrated with a task, be it homework, learning to ride a bike or catch a ball, put together a Lego set etc., try out some of these suggestions:
- Help your child identify their feelings. "You seem really frustrated with this task."
- Ask your child if they want to take a break and to come back later then they are feeling calmer.
- Talk about how it felt when you were frustrated with a task and then how good it felt to work at it and get better or accomplish it.
-Remind your child of a time when they overcame their frustrations and mastered a new task.
-When the opportunity arises, show that you too get frustrated and role model how to overcome those feelings.
- Break a big task into smaller, achievable tasks.
- Encourage their efforts with supportive words and cheer them along.
- Focus on the skills they demonstrate over the results such as sticking with it, working hard, calming themselves down etc.
- Make a big deal when they accomplish the task that seemed insurmountable.
- Break the unhelpful mood with humor or a fun activity and then go back to the task.
Try not to:
- Make them push through without acknowledging that they are struggling or offering some help or redirection.
- Do it for them.
- Let them give up. (Unless it truly is a task that is above their developmental capacity. Then it is better to explain that they are not old enough yet, but the time will come when they can try again.)
-Make comparisons to siblings or other kids who find the task easy.
Next time I need to work on my website, maybe I will ask the boys to be my cheer-leading team.
-Ask questions to make sure they are comprehending what they are reading.